It haunts me and I ask God often why did it have to happen. I have never had the courage to directly discuss this with her. And it has happened again. I wish that I was man enough to face the deeper purpose and reasoning behind my loss or that it could be erased. But at this time this is not in God's plan and purpose for my life.
I remember the first time. I was checking the mail. There were letters to him that had been returned because of an incorrect or unavailable address. I debated whether to open them. But I did.
One day I will share her words as they were written to this man, but not today. She stated how happy she was to have him in her life. How she wanted to be close. How his words filled her empty tank.
These words on the hand written letters tore into me. I banged into walls. I screamed with an anger that I did not know. I cried with a weakness that gutted me.
How could I not have known? She spends all this time on the phone, late into the night. I later told someone that I had heard the laughter and asked how I could let someone take what was mine away.
I fell into desperation. I questioned The Lord. How could this be? Was this my Valley of Death?
I called my brother. I called my pastor. I've never reached out to anyone like this. There was so much emotion. Rage. I couldn't let go.
But God would not quit. My brother stopped his life and got in a car. Pastor George opened his home and his family took me in. Thank you Heavenly Father for giving me these Angels on earth.
I keep these letters to this day. Reminders of sin, weakness, my personal life low. But also as material testimony to His greatness. He saved me that day. I know she let me go, but He has and will not. I must be reserved for something great.