I am sure it is a decision to find what is the situation that " is in the best interest of the children." I know that whomever the children are with, they are going to be raised well. We are equally best for the kids. I know that we may disagree on how the children are raised, but I think that's what makes parenting such a dynamic challenge. Now with co-parenting across a small distance, I expect it to be even more so.
It haunts me and I ask God often why did it have to happen. I have never had the courage to directly discuss this with her. And it has happened again. I wish that I was man enough to face the deeper purpose and reasoning behind my loss or that it could be erased. But at this time this is not in God's plan and purpose for my life.
I remember the first time. I was checking the mail. There were letters to him that had been returned because of an incorrect or unavailable address. I debated whether to open them. But I did.
One day I will share her words as they were written to this man, but not today. She stated how happy she was to have him in her life. How she wanted to be close. How his words filled her empty tank.
These words on the hand written letters tore into me. I banged into walls. I screamed with an anger that I did not know. I cried with a weakness that gutted me.
How could I not have known? She spends all this time on the phone, late into the night. I later told someone that I had heard the laughter and asked how I could let someone take what was mine away.
I fell into desperation. I questioned The Lord. How could this be? Was this my Valley of Death?
I called my brother. I called my pastor. I've never reached out to anyone like this. There was so much emotion. Rage. I couldn't let go.
But God would not quit. My brother stopped his life and got in a car. Pastor George opened his home and his family took me in. Thank you Heavenly Father for giving me these Angels on earth.
I keep these letters to this day. Reminders of sin, weakness, my personal life low. But also as material testimony to His greatness. He saved me that day. I know she let me go, but He has and will not. I must be reserved for something great.
I have planted in my garden plants in groups of three. A few years ago I made a decision to purchase these trio of plants on special occasions like birthdays and personal holidays or celebrations. One year I bought fruit trees. Another time I bought palm trees. On average, two out of the three survive.
I hope that after this divorce I might still continue to build a relationship with my step daughter. I've been part of her life since she was 4. She has seen this marriage in all it parts, good and bad. I used to think that when she became an adult she would come to appreciate how much I tried to be a good stepfather, husband to her mom, and role model as a Christian man. I won't give up on that vision. LeFrog will live forever.
As I sit here only a arms length from my sleeping children, I admire God's work. The children sleep with peace. The children rest from a day's play as the body and mind prepare for another. They have their joy, and no one or no thing can steal that from them.
This does not happen by chance but by God's will. He gave my wife and I a set of skills that together have established a decent life for our children. That is good. If I never let her know how honored I am to have been part of this team, I am ashamed to have let those opportunities slip by.
She read to them every night when they were little. Now they are doing so well in school.
She set up all the play dates throughout the years. Now they can socialize appropriately and deal with most any peer.
She openly admitted that she couldn't hairstyle our girls and did everything to make them feel beautiful inside and out. Now they have so much grace and pride in being the best young ladies they can be.
There is so much more. I could continue praising her gifts. Is it too late?
I rarely showed how much I honor your skills as a mother, in a love language you would accept and understand. As I reflect on the Love Dare, do I even know your love language? I have only in the last few years learned more about this way of speaking to your whole person. In these years of marriage, did you feel unappreciated when I spoke and acted to you in a love language that was well for me, but showed no understanding of you and your needs and wants? How frustrating it must be to communicate with someone like me, when the love is there but the language is incomprehensible. If I had more time I'd make a promise to be a better communicator. But our life is not over. I realize now that I still can improve as a man, a father, and though not as your husband, as a partner for the continued benefits of these beautiful gifts from God. I pray that He will soften our hearts and bring us closer to Him.